On my journey through life, marked by nearly seven decades, 47 years of marriage, and extensive experience working with people, I’ve come to recognize the profound significance of apologies. It has been my experience that uttering the words “I’m sorry” remains a humbling act, one that often challenges our inherent sense of pride.

The Pervasive Difficulty of Apologizing

The struggle to apologize appears widespread, particularly among those who wield power. It can feel humiliating to acknowledge one’s wrongdoings, yet the repercussions of sidestepping an apology can be severe. Consider, for instance, the instances of governments or business leaders who prolong conflicts due to their reluctance to utter the simple phrase “I’m sorry”. In certain cultures, such as in China, offering an apology can be seen as a loss of face, influence, and authority.

However, this difficulty isn’t confined to the realms of politics or business; it extends to our personal lives as well. The inability to apologize can lead to fractured relationships. Meaningful connections with others necessitate the ability to say, “I’m sorry”. This principle extends to our relationship with our Creator, where acknowledging our transgressions is the foundational step toward reconciliation. Psalm 38, a psalm of penitence, provides guidance in expressing remorse, confessing our iniquity, and acknowledging our sin. As Psalm 38:18 so clearly states, “I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin”. These words are as close to magic words as we will find in real life.

Practical Guidance for Constructing an Apology

Over the years, I’ve formulated two essential pieces of advice concerning apologies:

• Keep it short. Resist the urge to add phrases such as “if I hurt you,” which subtly shifts responsibility onto the other person by implying they misunderstood your intentions. A more genuine and effective approach is to say, “I’m sorry that I hurt you”. Likewise, avoid incorporating the word “but” into your apology, as it often serves as a means of justifying your actions rather than acknowledging the wrong committed. Using “but” can turn an apology into an explanation of all the reasons for your actions, rather than an acknowledgement that your actions were wrong.
• Make it quick. Procrastinating on an apology only allows resentment and bitterness to take root and deepen. The sooner you offer an apology, the easier it becomes to eradicate negativity and cultivate healthy relationships. Delaying an apology is like allowing a weed’s roots to grow deeper, making it more difficult to remove. The person waiting for the apology will grow more angry, resentful, and bitter the longer they have to wait.

The Transformative Power of Apology

Saying “I’m sorry” can elicit forgiveness, love, acceptance, and generosity. While there may be instances where an apology falls short of fully resolving the situation, it remains an invaluable tool for nurturing and maintaining relationships. It requires a degree of humility, yet it ultimately paves the way for joy and strengthens our bonds with one another and with God.

I find especially in my world that men seem to have an inability to say, “I’m sorry”. As an example, there are men and women who pressured their daughters to have an abortion and find it very difficult to say I’m sorry, even when they realize it was the worst thing they could have done, even when it was done under the best of intentions. Reconciliation cannot happen without an ability to say “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you”.

I share this advice with you, but I also direct it inward, to myself. Even at my age, with numerous opportunities to apologize throughout my life, it never seems to become easier. This is because it challenges our prideful nature. Yet, it aligns with the will of God and ultimately leads to our enduring joy and happiness. “I’m sorry” is what we should say to our Father and to one another, so that things can get better

This article is adapted from the episode transcript.